I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
