yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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