i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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