i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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