I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
