My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She needs sedatives and a leash
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
