Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize