I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it was like eating out sand paper
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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