I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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