We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize