morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
