Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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