You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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