i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
