you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I currently don't understand fingers.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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