so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
