my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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