Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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