Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
