I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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