He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
