I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
