she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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