So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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