Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
