WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
