I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
