Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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