I'm so fucking centered right now
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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