If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
