You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
