I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
