Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize