Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
