I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
