I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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