How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
