I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Randomize
