All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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