I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
