Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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