So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
