I wish my penis had an off switch
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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