I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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