I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
