the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
