Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
