Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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