i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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