im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
