i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
