this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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