Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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