Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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