Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
