is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
