the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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